Saturday, December 20, 2008

Have a Question? Get an Answer!

Ask a Question

Do you need the answer or solution to a one-time question or problem, such as:

  • What kind of aftercare is available once a child completes residential treatment?
  • I have chosen a program for my child off the Internet. Who can tell me more about them and where can I get information to make sure I am making a safe choice?
  • I need a psychologist who can do some testing on my child. Who can I call?
  • My child's school has called me for a conference and I am not sure what I need to do to prepare.

Email me your question - add "Advice Needed" in the subject line - dore@dorefrances.com

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A simple answer to a basic question, maybe something about ADHD, or perhaps a more specific answer is needed, or a very detailed answer that may need research and references or even a 15 minute call to answer some questions on the phone.

Make your payment via PayPal and you will receive your answer in a short period of time or I will contact you regarding setting up a phone time.

Oftentimes this can be within the hour.

All answers will be complete and thorough.

  • "I have been teaching middle school for thirty years and I get asked so many questions by parents all the time that I just do not have the time to research. Also, things change so much I just cannot keep up. I started referring parents to Dore and they have said it has been a great time saver for them in finding out some basic information and getting help on where to go for things like psychological testing. This is a well needed and very inexpensive service!" ~ Jon Aslan, Arizona

  • "I was feeling very apprehensive about the residential therapy program I choose for my daughter. I needed to know that I had made a safe choice. I asked Dore to help me specifically research this school to make sure they had no complaints against them. Just getting her genuine feedback gave me peace of mind. I have a feeling I will be using her again." ~ Rob Beare, California

  • I needed to locate an advocate and attorney in my state that would be able to assist me with my son and his IEP. I had been on the Internet and found all kinds of sites but did not know whom I could trust. I gave Dore the specific information and she emailed me a thorough list with names, addresses, contact numbers and their websites. I felt much better knowing these were people who would be able to assist me with my son's specific needs. I have already referred this low cost service to another parent. " ~ Robbi R., Washington

  • Okay, I admit it. I was freaking out. As a single parent I had a situation going on at home, it was evening time, and I just needed some quick advice. Having a 15 minute call with Dore (she actually gave me 25), was just the shot in the arm I needed to get through the little mini crisis. I think my child and I could have ended up in a big fight had I not had this time out time with Dore. She helped me get calm, centered and really see what was happening. It is great to know she is there if I ever need her again." ~ David B., Bend, Oregon

  • Dore E. Frances, M.A.

    Thursday, December 18, 2008

    Drowsy Teen Driving

    In this season of snow, long road trips and excessive parties drowsy young people driving automobiles can lead to some minor and even serious accidents.

    Overtired teens are a threat to themselves – and others – as they too often climb behind the wheel having had too little sleep. For example, 36 percent of teen drivers say they frequently drive while tired in the morning.

    Perhaps more significant, they report getting an average of only 7.2 hours of sleep on school nights.

    And that can have costly outcomes. Young people who get less than eight hours of sleep per night on average are twice as likely to say they have fallen asleep at the wheel (20 percent) than are teens who report getting an average of eight or more hours of sleep per night (10 percent).

    Drowsy driving causes more than 10,000 crashes each year, leading to 40,000 injuries and 1,550 deaths, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Make no mistake about it, the combination of sleepiness, inexperience, and a tendency to drive at night and in the early morning hours puts young adults at risk for drowsy driving crashes. Just as frightening are some of the strategies teens say they employ to try to stay awake.

    Ø Playing loud music (49 percent)

    Ø Talking on a cell phone (22 percent)

    Ø Speeding (11 percent)

    Ø Text messaging (11 percent)

    Other concerns about sleepy teens include the relationship between insufficient rest and obesity, depression, drug abuse, and future cardiovascular disease, according to Byron J. Richards, a board-certified clinical nutritionist. Sleep problems in children and teens have reached a crisis level in America. So, what's the remedy? More sleep. Teens should be getting between 8.5 and 9.5 hours of sleep to be fully rested. It sounds like a simple solution. In truth, it may be hard to achieve. Teens need more sleep than adults do.

    During adolescence, teens are hard-wired to stay up later at night and sleep later in the morning. Still we torment them with early school starts and, often, morning commitments on weekends. Thank goodness for the holidays!

    Even though they may have more chance to rest, teens' holiday schedules remain cramped.

    And research suggests that holiday periods are particularly dangerous times of year on roads and highways.

    What's a busy teen to do? Here are a couple of tips:

    Use the buddy system – ask your passenger to stay awake during the drive, to help keep you awake, and to share the driving responsibilities.

    Ø If sleepiness sets in while driving, prevent a crash by pulling over to find a safe place to take a nap.

    Of course, Mom and Dad have a role to play, too. Parents are the most influential voices in their teens' driving behaviors. Young people tend to drive more safely when they are presented with family driving rules that are enforced, such as:

    Ø Minimum sleep requirements in order to drive;

    Ø No driving after 10 p.m.; and

    Ø No cell phone use, including text messaging.

    Unfortunately, "early to bed, early to rise" doesn't synch well with suddenly nocturnal teens who are balancing late nights, early mornings, and jam-packed schedules. They want to do it all.

    As parents the job is to help them regulate competing demands in a way that keeps them safe behind the wheel. Especially when they have miles to go before they sleep.

    Dore E. Frances, M.A.

    Sunday, December 14, 2008

    Why Drug Rehabilitation Programs are Highly Successful

    I know this is not what you want to read .... however, if you are reading it ... there is a reason ......

    A drug addict lives in their own world, whether they are nine or 29. A life full of fantasies, a life without any responsibilities and a life where there is no consciousness. Unfortunately, that is not the real life a human being is supposed to live. It is the not the life parents want their children to live.

    The human life is full of responsibilities, whether you are a child or an adult, both to oneself and to the society in which we live. When a pre-teen or teen or young adult starts using drugs they fall into the pit of agony and self destruction. Some parents are so afraid to get their child help, stating it is just a phases, it is not that bad (that one always hurts when I hear it), or that their child may feel abandoned if they send them to get help.

    Would you not treat a broken limb or any affliction in your child's body with great care?

    The same applies here. Drug rehabilitation and residential treatment can and does work when it it the right treatment for the child, encompassing all of their needs, including academics. A child using drugs cannot be greatly successful in treatment and rehabilitation efforts individually.

    It takes the entire family to be involved. And yes, that is hard work and at times very uncomfortable.

    When needed, drug rehabilitation programs start with the detoxification stage. Here the supply of drugs is cut off totally and the harmful scum of drugs deposited in the body is washed off. Different medicines are used for people with different addition levels when the situation is severe. This period of time is the harshest for the addict as well as their family. Suppression of cravings for drugs is very painful for the addict.

    Drug rehabilitation centers and residential treatment programs follow steps to make the addict comfortable at this stage. Once the cravings disappear, the addict is put through mental and physical therapies. It has been found that lack of mental strength is the biggest reason why people take drugs. Even for a child, self-abusing is a lack of mental strength. They take them to enhance their macho image, to feel better, to numb out.

    Mental strength is essential for survival for a human being. Once found fit, the addict is taught some life skills to help them get back on track. Now the addict is as good as anyone around them. They can once again hold their head high. Success rate of drug rehabilitation programs and residential treatment centers is often in the high eighties. The earlier the intervention age wise, the better. Getting help at 10, 13, 17, is much easier than at 21, 25, 28 and even older. Parents can get their children help, and make it happen to save them.

    Adults have to choose for themselves. Some do, some don't. Some survive, some die. Most rehabilitation centers and residential treatment centers hire experts after close scrutiny only. The staff requires not only technical expertise, they need to possess compassion.

    Oh ... your child is not an addict? Was that word too harsh? Wait long enough ..... they can be!

    I have assisted a nine year old girl who was addicted to her father's anti-anxiety medication. I have assisted a 12 year old boy who was addicted to cocaine. His parents are both CEO's of major companies. I have assisted a 16 year old girl who was a heroine addict. Her mother is the founder of her own company and very successful. Addicts are not dirty people on the street or from broken homes or those that you only see on TV.

    They are right there in your home, on your block, in your schools, shopping at the local grocery store.

    I have assisted numerous adults who were addicted to prescriptions drugs.

    There is no age limit for an addict. Children can start using drugs at any time. They need you to be the one who gets them help. Believe me, they are counting on it!

    We believe in the power of every family and individual we assist.



    Wednesday, December 3, 2008

    Teen Dating Relationship Abuse

    Yes, I am writing about this again.

    It is apparent from the calls I am getting from parents that this is a growing concern. As adults, most of us have learned from our past mistakes in relationships. Some lessons were more difficult to learn than others.

    At least that was my experience.

    Part of growing older, besides getting thinning hair, is realizing how much your relationships with others have shaped the person you are today, and influenced your ability to help family, friends and loved ones. It is important to use the obstacles you have struggled with and been challenged by in the past to teach and guide those who are currently in bad relationships and situations.

    For pre-teens, teens and young adults, it is hard to look at the big picture of life instead of feeling helpless and hopeless after every failure. One or more of you may have experienced an abusive relationship while growing up, whether it happened at home or within a romantic relationship. Any kind of abuse is dangerous and harmful, although teen abuse has unique factors that make it especially hard for the youth involved.

    For teenage girls and boys, the damage that can be caused by relationship abuse is often underestimated, and therefore carried on into later stages of life when never properly addressed. Teen Dating Abuse is a disturbingly widespread yet mostly unnoticed form of abuse, due to the fact that adults tend to view teen relationships as less significant and incapable of producing intense emotion. Adolescent dating abuse is easily disguised as normal teen angst and frustration, even the most observant parent might not see the mental damage a relationship is having on their daughter's well-being.

    (Most of these relationships I have assisted with are girls, however, it does happen to boys as well).

    Being aware of the signs of dating abuse can help prevent a teen from becoming involved in a dangerous, controlling relationship, as well as help someone recover from its emotional effects. It's a common misconception that abuse has to be physical or sexual.

    In Dr. Jill Murray's book "But I Love Him," she states that while verbal and emotional abuse do not always transition into physical abuse, every physically abusive relationship starts with mental abuse. Abuse is about power and control; a person can gain control over another without ever raising a fist. This is why victims of abuse are the first ones to deny any sort of issue; they have been tricked into believing that their partner's behavior is normal and is out of love. According to Dr. Murray, it is a surprising fact that the symptoms of verbal and emotional abuse are also the behaviors that girls find most flattering. These include monopolizing a girl's time, isolating her from family and friends, saying "I love you" too soon, and interrogating her about her whereabouts. When the two engage in sex, it becomes even more dangerous. All of these behaviors can be mistaken for concern and love; however they are only ways for a boy to control his girlfriend and get her to do what he wants. Humiliating her in public, calling her names, and making her wait for his phone call are all ways to break down her self-esteem and ensure that she believes he is the only one who would ever love her or want her. As the relationship progresses, the abuser learns that he can treat his girlfriend whichever way he chooses and she will not leave. She has lost her friends because of his constant need for her to only be with him; most likely he has convinced her not to trust her family members or confide in them. She feels trapped and helpless, which makes sense as that's exactly what she has become. As a friend, parent, or sibling, it's difficult to understand what makes a teen stay in such a painful, frustrating relationship rather than reaching out for help or simply breaking up with their partner.

    Adults in abusive situations might be compelled to stay for financial reasons or because of any children involved; the only apparent attachment within teenage relationships is purely emotional. Adolescents are forced to see their abuser every day at school; the pressures of high school add the fear of being harassed or unpopular to the difficulty of breaking up with a boyfriend.

    (Some of the recent situations I have assisted with have been high school girls in relationships with boys that are 18 to 21, and this is even more dangerous, as they usually have no parents involved, or their parents are supporting the relationship which is even more controlling).

    According to the Domestic Violence Agency of Alameda County, California, a young girl may be terrified and depressed because of her abusive boyfriend, however will not tell a parent in order to avoid losing the freedoms that have accompanied their transition in young adulthood. They also may be afraid to mention that they have been sexually active. When a victim of abuse thinks they will be punished after revealing the details of their relationship, it will be harder for the parent to find out what is really going on. Another reason that a teen will remain in an abusive relationship is a lack of experience.

    When the teen is dating for the first time, they have nothing to compare to; making it difficult to determine what is or is not appropriate dating behavior.

    Abusive dating relationships have increased at an alarming rate over the past five years; it is estimated that one in three high school students will be involved in an abusive relationship before they reach graduation.

    Insecurity or a lack of confidence are warning signs that a teenager is a target for dating abuse, or is already suffering from a controlling and possessive relationship.

    In the book "What Parents Need to Know about Dating Violence," a list of questions is provided for parents to ask their teenager when they are concerned about abuse. Even when the person being abused refuses to answer the questions, they will remember them and start to realize the bad situation they are in.

    Ask .....

    Does the person you love track all of your time or check up on you often?

    Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful or sleeping around?

    Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
    Say that you cannot do even simple things right?

    Tell you the abuse is your fault and that you are crazy?
    Or threaten to kill themselves or someone you care about if you leave?

    The last question reveals a dangerous behavior abusers most commonly use to keep their girlfriend around.

    A study conducted by the Liz Claiborne Incorporation on teen relationship abuse reveals that a shocking 16% of girls between the ages of thirteen to eighteen have had a partner threaten to commit suicide or hurt himself if she leaves the relationship. Over time an abusive boyfriend might use his family issues to receive sympathy from his girlfriend; he will play up the role of the victim being raised in a broken home,having an alcoholic parent, coming from a single parent home, using all the excuses possible for his bad behavior. The girl will feel she can make his life better by loving him; she does not realize that he is manipulating her into staying with him out of pity.

    The threat of suicide is usually an abuser's last attempt to keep possession of his partner; if he really wants to kill himself he needs to be seeing a psychologist, not his fifteen-year old girlfriend!

    After the occurrence of physical threats, the extent of the emotional abuse has reached its limit before the start of physical violence. When you think that someone you know is involved in an abusive relationship, it's important to talk to them and express your concern for their safety. When you are the parent, do not make your daughter or son feel you are attacking them or accusing them of doing something wrong; this will only push them further away. Let them know that there is nothing you care more about than their happiness, and be willing to help any way you can. There are also legal actions that can be taken to prevent the abuser from contacting the teen, as well as psychological steps and specific programs and schools to help the victim recover. Removing the teen from the situation sometimes is the best first move when this has escalated to a dangerous situation. Getting them to a safe secure place with people who know how to assist is an important first step when it has become a crisis. They will not want to leave, that is normal. You have to step in and make the choice to help them as they will need time away from the situation and the proper therapy to get a clear picture of what has been happening to them.

    A result of being in a highly abusive relationship is the possibility of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

    This psychological difficulty is normally associated with war veterans or victims of torture, or children that have been severely abused, however its symptoms are commonly found in abused women and girls. This is one of the reasons it is crucial to make sure that a victim of abuse is receiving immediate professional help.

    PTSD rarely goes away on its own; the symptoms may lessen in time but most likely will reappear at different events later in life, even when unrelated to the former abusive relationship. Teen Dating Abuse is a sad and increasingly prevalent epidemic in American society.

    It has previously been unacknowledged, so it's important to inform parents, teachers, and young adults of its dangerous effects. Although a relationship between two teenagers may seem harmless, it cannot be left without guidance. Emotional abuse is most likely just the beginning, and adolescence is no excuse for harming and controlling another person.

    Another recommended book to read -
    But He Never Hit Me: The Devastating Cost of Non-Physical Abuse to Girls and Women

    Dore E. Frances, M.A.

    As a former victim (although I do not choose to relate to that word any longer) of being stalked for 15 years, I speak with many groups who are just starting to realize the effect this has on our teenagers today.