Teen Dating Relationship Abuse

Yes, I am writing about this again.

It is apparent from the calls I am getting from parents that this is a growing concern. As adults, most of us have learned from our past mistakes in relationships. Some lessons were more difficult to learn than others.

At least that was my experience.

Part of growing older, besides getting thinning hair, is realizing how much your relationships with others have shaped the person you are today, and influenced your ability to help family, friends and loved ones. It is important to use the obstacles you have struggled with and been challenged by in the past to teach and guide those who are currently in bad relationships and situations.

For pre-teens, teens and young adults, it is hard to look at the big picture of life instead of feeling helpless and hopeless after every failure. One or more of you may have experienced an abusive relationship while growing up, whether it happened at home or within a romantic relationship. Any kind of abuse is dangerous and harmful, although teen abuse has unique factors that make it especially hard for the youth involved.

For teenage girls and boys, the damage that can be caused by relationship abuse is often underestimated, and therefore carried on into later stages of life when never properly addressed. Teen Dating Abuse is a disturbingly widespread yet mostly unnoticed form of abuse, due to the fact that adults tend to view teen relationships as less significant and incapable of producing intense emotion. Adolescent dating abuse is easily disguised as normal teen angst and frustration, even the most observant parent might not see the mental damage a relationship is having on their daughter's well-being.

(Most of these relationships I have assisted with are girls, however, it does happen to boys as well).

Being aware of the signs of dating abuse can help prevent a teen from becoming involved in a dangerous, controlling relationship, as well as help someone recover from its emotional effects. It's a common misconception that abuse has to be physical or sexual.

In Dr. Jill Murray's book "But I Love Him," she states that while verbal and emotional abuse do not always transition into physical abuse, every physically abusive relationship starts with mental abuse. Abuse is about power and control; a person can gain control over another without ever raising a fist. This is why victims of abuse are the first ones to deny any sort of issue; they have been tricked into believing that their partner's behavior is normal and is out of love. According to Dr. Murray, it is a surprising fact that the symptoms of verbal and emotional abuse are also the behaviors that girls find most flattering. These include monopolizing a girl's time, isolating her from family and friends, saying "I love you" too soon, and interrogating her about her whereabouts. When the two engage in sex, it becomes even more dangerous. All of these behaviors can be mistaken for concern and love; however they are only ways for a boy to control his girlfriend and get her to do what he wants. Humiliating her in public, calling her names, and making her wait for his phone call are all ways to break down her self-esteem and ensure that she believes he is the only one who would ever love her or want her. As the relationship progresses, the abuser learns that he can treat his girlfriend whichever way he chooses and she will not leave. She has lost her friends because of his constant need for her to only be with him; most likely he has convinced her not to trust her family members or confide in them. She feels trapped and helpless, which makes sense as that's exactly what she has become. As a friend, parent, or sibling, it's difficult to understand what makes a teen stay in such a painful, frustrating relationship rather than reaching out for help or simply breaking up with their partner.

Adults in abusive situations might be compelled to stay for financial reasons or because of any children involved; the only apparent attachment within teenage relationships is purely emotional. Adolescents are forced to see their abuser every day at school; the pressures of high school add the fear of being harassed or unpopular to the difficulty of breaking up with a boyfriend.

(Some of the recent situations I have assisted with have been high school girls in relationships with boys that are 18 to 21, and this is even more dangerous, as they usually have no parents involved, or their parents are supporting the relationship which is even more controlling).

According to the Domestic Violence Agency of Alameda County, California, a young girl may be terrified and depressed because of her abusive boyfriend, however will not tell a parent in order to avoid losing the freedoms that have accompanied their transition in young adulthood. They also may be afraid to mention that they have been sexually active. When a victim of abuse thinks they will be punished after revealing the details of their relationship, it will be harder for the parent to find out what is really going on. Another reason that a teen will remain in an abusive relationship is a lack of experience.

When the teen is dating for the first time, they have nothing to compare to; making it difficult to determine what is or is not appropriate dating behavior.

Abusive dating relationships have increased at an alarming rate over the past five years; it is estimated that one in three high school students will be involved in an abusive relationship before they reach graduation.

Insecurity or a lack of confidence are warning signs that a teenager is a target for dating abuse, or is already suffering from a controlling and possessive relationship.

In the book "What Parents Need to Know about Dating Violence," a list of questions is provided for parents to ask their teenager when they are concerned about abuse. Even when the person being abused refuses to answer the questions, they will remember them and start to realize the bad situation they are in.

Ask .....

Does the person you love track all of your time or check up on you often?

Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful or sleeping around?

Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
Say that you cannot do even simple things right?

Tell you the abuse is your fault and that you are crazy?
Or threaten to kill themselves or someone you care about if you leave?

The last question reveals a dangerous behavior abusers most commonly use to keep their girlfriend around.

A study conducted by the Liz Claiborne Incorporation on teen relationship abuse reveals that a shocking 16% of girls between the ages of thirteen to eighteen have had a partner threaten to commit suicide or hurt himself if she leaves the relationship. Over time an abusive boyfriend might use his family issues to receive sympathy from his girlfriend; he will play up the role of the victim being raised in a broken home,having an alcoholic parent, coming from a single parent home, using all the excuses possible for his bad behavior. The girl will feel she can make his life better by loving him; she does not realize that he is manipulating her into staying with him out of pity.

The threat of suicide is usually an abuser's last attempt to keep possession of his partner; if he really wants to kill himself he needs to be seeing a psychologist, not his fifteen-year old girlfriend!

After the occurrence of physical threats, the extent of the emotional abuse has reached its limit before the start of physical violence. When you think that someone you know is involved in an abusive relationship, it's important to talk to them and express your concern for their safety. When you are the parent, do not make your daughter or son feel you are attacking them or accusing them of doing something wrong; this will only push them further away. Let them know that there is nothing you care more about than their happiness, and be willing to help any way you can. There are also legal actions that can be taken to prevent the abuser from contacting the teen, as well as psychological steps and specific programs and schools to help the victim recover. Removing the teen from the situation sometimes is the best first move when this has escalated to a dangerous situation. Getting them to a safe secure place with people who know how to assist is an important first step when it has become a crisis. They will not want to leave, that is normal. You have to step in and make the choice to help them as they will need time away from the situation and the proper therapy to get a clear picture of what has been happening to them.

A result of being in a highly abusive relationship is the possibility of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

This psychological difficulty is normally associated with war veterans or victims of torture, or children that have been severely abused, however its symptoms are commonly found in abused women and girls. This is one of the reasons it is crucial to make sure that a victim of abuse is receiving immediate professional help.

PTSD rarely goes away on its own; the symptoms may lessen in time but most likely will reappear at different events later in life, even when unrelated to the former abusive relationship. Teen Dating Abuse is a sad and increasingly prevalent epidemic in American society.

It has previously been unacknowledged, so it's important to inform parents, teachers, and young adults of its dangerous effects. Although a relationship between two teenagers may seem harmless, it cannot be left without guidance. Emotional abuse is most likely just the beginning, and adolescence is no excuse for harming and controlling another person.

Another recommended book to read - But He Never Hit Me: The Devastating Cost of Non-Physical Abuse to Girls and Women

Dore E. Frances, M.A.

As a former victim (although I do not choose to relate to that word any longer) of being stalked for 15 years, I speak with many groups who are just starting to realize the effect this has on our teenagers today.