How to Understand Troubled Teens

Is it possible for us as adults to understand troubled teens?

We know that as adults we find it helpful to talk about our problems and emotions. This is because most of us have learned to talk about our feelings no matter how complex they might be.

We are also more accepting of the grey areas of life due to our wider range of life experiences. For many troubled teens, this process is not quite as easy. This is because young people may find it harder to put their feelings into words and because they are dealing with many seemingly contradictory and overwhelming feelings at a time when their brain development, emotional and physical development are undergoing some powerful changes.

Unlike most adults, the lives of a teenager are most often linked to those of their parents so they might find it harder to communicate conflicts with family members.

To understand troubled teens therefore requires different techniques to those we employ to help adults with their problems.

Troubled teens need a specialist approach from a counselor, educational consultant or therapist.

Talk therapy may end up not be the most effective form of therapy for a troubled teenager.

In general; more active forms of therapy may work better. This may include outdoor adventure therapy or adventure therapeutic wilderness therapy, or perhaps even a residential emotional growth program.

Some therapists use equine-assisted therapy to counsel teens. This is where troubled teens interact with horses as part of a therapeutic intervention allowing the therapist to observe how the child interacts with the animal and draw important conclusions from that behavior. It is believed that the way in which a teen interacts with the horse provides valuable clues to their relationship with their parents or peers. There are many beneficial residential programs that offer equine assisted therapy a a part of the therapeutic component of the program.

Counseling troubled teens is centered on helping both the child and the parents to better understand some of the ways in which the teen behaves. It teaches a teen to express their needs and wants in a more positive, constructive way. When these issues are better understood and new behaviors implemented, the family relationship as a whole improves as does the well-being of troubled teens.

Family therapy is often used to help troubled teens who have behavioral or emotional issues.

Here a therapist will help make communication between family members and the teen work more efficiently and in so doing help both parties to learn techniques for conflict resolution.

So how do you know that your teenager has a real problem and isn’t just going through a ‘phase’?

Parents might find it very difficult to recognize problem behavior in their teen. How do you know when your teen is at risk for drug/alcohol abuse, quitting school, has an eating disorder, an unplanned pregnancy, violence, depression, or even suicide? Unfortunately troubled teens aren’t always very easy to spot. They have become experts at hiding their behaviors and self-concerns from adults.

Parents may fall into the trap of comparing their troubled teens to other teenagers that they have contact with. Maybe even friends and family members compare their own children to your child. Which means some parents either find their teen ‘worse’ than other teens; or ‘not as bad’ as other children they know - both of which might lead to disastrous consequences.

Of course it’s easy to understand this kind of comparison when a parent is wanting to determine how much of a problem there really is. However making a comparison with other children of the same age, or even those that "made it" unto adult hood is not a reliable indicator of how serious your troubled teens problems are.

Instead, parents need to look at each child individually and assess the situation themselves, using their knowledge of the child’s normal behavior and personality. It is important for parents to use their intuition and gut feelings when dealing with troubled teens because this is often quite correct in assessing the situation. Parents are also encouraged to enlist the help of counselors, educational consultants and support groups to help them through the process. In general, parents are the first to know when their teen is in trouble. The trick is getting them to admit it and not stay in denial!

Unfortunately many troubled teens are not always honest about their real feelings. They often resort to manipulating the situation, becoming secretive or worming their way out of an issue for meths even years at a time.

When parents bury their heads in the sand, turn their back on the situation at hand, talk themselves out of what is really going on, their teen may use that to make the parent feel that there aren’t any problems at all and that they are over reacting. Once a parent starts to deny the clear evidence of a problem he or she may start to ignore the problem or explain it away in their own minds, which is exactly what the teen wants to have happen. This can be dangerous for troubled teens that may need intervention - even life-saving intervention.

The signs that your teen is in crisis are not hard to spot once you know (and really accept) what they are with an open mind. In general troubled teens will show one or more of the following behaviors and/or symptoms:

* Being secretive in a way which is more than just the average need for privacy. Leaving early, coming home late, and not answering their cell phone when you call.

* Sudden outbursts of anger on a regular basis that seem irrational based on the situation. Troubled teens exhibit more than the normal amount of anger and resentment. This is because they are scared and feel out of control.

* When your troubled teens miss curfews, skip engagements or lies about where they have been or who they are with they might be in crisis. More is going on than you know, and your teen is probably engaged in unsafe activities.

* When your teen suddenly changes their group of friends and doesn’t want you to meet or talk to their new inner circle their may be a big problem. When this coincides with a change in appearance and attitude you need to be very concerned.

* Your teen steals from you. Troubled teens might need money for drugs or alcohol or other activities that are unhealthy to their safety.

* Your teen has extreme mood swings or is sleeping more than usual.

* Your child's grades are dropping and they seem to have no interest in their normal activities. Troubled teens may be suffering from depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder or may be drug addicted or engaged in ongoing sexual activity, sometimes with multiple partners.

When you see any of these signs in your child, please don’t ignore them. Seek help from a trained therapist, educational consultant, family coach or support group and learn how to handle the issues at hand before a crisis arises.

Many troubled teens have allowed problems to escalate to the point where they felt suicide was their only option. Don’t let it happen to you or your child. Talk to your child openly and sincerely about what is going on in his or her life. Don’t talk down to troubled teens - they are the first to spot a condescending attitude. And don't threaten them with boarding school or boot camp.

The most important thing is to get a dialogue going with your child and to get help.

Horizon Family Solutions focuses primarily on the families of special needs children, adolescents and young adults and assists those ages 8 to 26. Some of the students I assist have challenges with ADD/ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome, auditory processing disorder, autism, bipolar disorder, OCD, oppositional defiant disorder, PTSD, and Reactive Attachment Disorder. Some are just failing at life and need assistance before a crisis happens. This is usually resulting from loss of self-esteem because of adoption issues or sexual activity that has begun beofre they are emotionally able to handle those feelings. I offer unique services that are tailored to the individual needs of all my clients and provide attentive support to ensure ongoing development towards long term success.

Dore E. Frances, M.A.
Founder, Horizon Family Solutions

Ragging on teenagers

Ragging on teenagers has become even more noticeable this year. Some of the most aggressive comments I have heard come from the middle and upper-middle classes, who are proving the Beatles right. Money can’t buy kids love. And hey, I am not pointing fingers. I did all I could to buy my daughter everything I could afford, hoping she would never have to experience what I did as a child. It backfired. Remind me to tell you the story of searching the entire west coast for all of the Power Rangers one Christmas.

I also notice that privileged parents too often seem to regard their adolescent offspring as though they were holdings in the family stock portfolio: Either they perform or they’re out. '

For the last several years, the trend among the well-to-do has been to blame the teenager for everything that goes wrong in the family. Divorce, financial stress, loss of a job, and in once case a parent blamed their child for their plastic surgery going wrong, sating the kid stressed them out so much they did not heal correctly. I can at least say I never blamed my daughter for all the choices I made or for the emotions I struggled with.

Ever since the 1999 Columbine school shooting in Colorado and a rash of books in 2002 that took girls to task for almost everything, a shift started happening.

Forget nurturing; boys were murderers and girls were murderous, and a parent’s best hope was merely to survive until they left home. How sad is that? No matter how bad it seems at home with your child they did not spring full-blown from the belly of some alien monster sent to Earth to drive you towards a complete nervous breakdown. These are children, and they are products of the home environments that are created in which they live. Sometimes we do a great job and sometimes we don't. That is life. We learn as we go. If I knew then what I know now I would have been a much better parent. However, we cannot undo what is done. Some of the mistakes I see are that parents expect their kids to grow up too fast, either because they don’t have time to be responsible parents or, worse, because they are too distracted by their own activities.

Children may be barely into puberty, but they ought to act like adults? We give them things instead of companionship, as though an iPod, a cell phone, a laptop, a video game or a new car were enough to make any child happy and well-behaved. We define “good enough” too narrowly, which may sound familiar to any parent who thinks that the only good university is an Ivy League one. It’s an unfortunate understandable urge that us Baby boomers know too well.

We are part of a population change, facing competition for everything from college admission to Social Security dollars, and we want to make sure our kids will have an advantage. We’re old enough to know that life isn’t fair, yet we scramble for the edge in amusing ways; some parents hold their children back from kindergarten out of genuine concern for their developmental readiness, while others do it as part of a long-term strategy for success, figuring that the extra year’s maturity will translate into better grades. Life is measured in hits and misses, making it far too easy for our children to feel like failures. We set out-of-reach standards of personal behavior; for too many parents, there are no misdemeanors, only felonies. Some frequently punish by turning their backs on their kids– by denying troubled children the very support and affection they probably need. Parents are afraid to be parents. Parents are afraid to take that step of support for fear their child will no longer love them. Parents fear their child getting help and being healthy when they themselves are struggling emotionally. Parents who reject their difficult children fail to recognize that the kids often feel out of control and want a guiding hand.

The middle class may be able to provide all of the good life, but the soulful shell is fairly empty in many cases. Parents condemn members of the helping professions for everything from over medicating to over-diagnosis. In many cases I agree that it has gotten out of hand. Labels are not good and are not needed when dealing with a troubled teen. Not every kid who has a sullen afternoon requires professional help, unless, of course, the parents want a quick fix. And believe me, there is no quick fix. A quick fix is a provocative idea, and a troubling one. However, what was happening in the 1970's with troubled teens is not all that different than what is happening today. Kids today are still thrill-seeking, are still using drugs and drinking, are still sexually active. One girl I recently assisted reminisces about a drug-induced evening when a guy was threatening to kill her with a broken beer bottle if she didn’t have sex with him. She never told her parents abut the party or the experience, and of course she was acting out at home, and yes, she used drugs to deaden the pain of her emotions. She was labeled as a troubled teen.

She isolated from her parents, stayed in her room, spent hours on the computer talking in chat rooms to others about her experience. Did she need help? Yes. Did she get it? Finally, after her emotions went into full blown depression. Three months later her parents had her in treatment.

Just in time. She was planning on suicide. They never knew. They were devastated. Is this a troubled teen? Yes, but not in the way they always seem to get labeled. There is usually a whole lot more going on that parents realize. Parents who respond to escalating problems by cutting ties to their children, makes me wonder: Did these people think they had struck a special deal with God (or whoever their higher power may be) to provide them with easy kids or they’d get to quit their parenting job? And again, not every parent can afford a residential treatment center. Who knows what kinds of help we might still be able to offer the walking wounded, in all age groups, if support programs had not fallen under the budgetary ax time and time again?

And then are those, like Dave Pelzer (A Child Called "it") whose life was so horrific as to almost defy belief. Believe me, it happens every day here in the United States. Dave did not live far from where I lived in Los Altos, California. When I read his book my heart almost stopped.

My own childhood was filled with abuse, fear of being killed on any given day, loss of my adopted mother by suicide when I was 9, sexual abuse by my adopted father, so much pain and rage.

Could I have been labeled a troubled teen? Yes, absolutely. Fortunately there was this part of me that always had eventual hope that the dark world would become clear and I would see light again and feel love. Many troubled teens are a triumph to the human spirit. Many have courage and determination. And many suffer in silence. Life has it's challenges.

Checking out as a parent is not an option.

Troubled Teen Help

Helping Parents Reach Out to Their Troubled Adolescents, Teens and Young Adults

Teen Pregnancy

The United States has the highest rates of teen pregnancy and births in the western industrialized world.

Teen pregnancy costs the United States at least $7 billion annually. As a teen, finding out that you are pregnant is a life-changing and scary event. As a parent, finding out your teen is pregnant can both shock you and cause despair as you wonder, now what? There are a number of options you can choose from when you find out you are pregnant. You can raise the baby, place the baby for adoption, or you can have an abortion (end the pregnancy). Once you know you are indeed pregnant you will need to think about many factors to make your decision. Be sure to discuss your options with your doctor and with others that you trust. Make your decision as early as possible.When you plan to have the baby obtain prenatal care - this is vital, even if you place your baby for adoption. When you choose to raise the child be prepared for a long-term commitment and build a good support system. When you cannot raise a child but do not want to have an abortion, adoption may be a good option. In an adoption, a child legally gets new parents. A decision to have an abortion needs to be made as early as possible. The type of procedure used and some of the risks involved depend on how long you have been pregnant. The earlier a woman has an abortion, the safer it is.

Abortion is a very personal decision. With both adoption and abortion you may experience a mixture of feelings that may last for a long time. Counseling can help you come to terms with this decision. The effects of teen pregnancy can be difficult to cope with. The decision to raise the child, place the child for adoption, or have an abortion may be very hard for you to make. The sooner you seek advice and help, the better.

There are residential programs available for pregnant teens. These programs serve adolescents in need of a loving & nurturing environment during their time of pregnancy & beyond.

These programs include a home for expectant mothers and a facility to care for new mothers and their child after birth

When you know of someone needing our assistance, or are personally in need, please contact us immediately for a completely confidential assessment of your needs and our capabilities.

HORIZON FAMILY SOLUTIONS

Dore Frances, M.A., A.C.C.

Independent Educational Consultant

Family Coach

Welcome to the rest of your life

Be thankful and appreciative for what you have.

Many families are in the process of redefining expectations about what it means to be thankful for what the currently have. I have lived a life firmly ensconced in the American middle class, a life shaped by education, professional jobs and self employed to where I live a comfortable lifestyle. I live in that space where people work hard, pay their bills (mostly) on time, live in houses (I rent) they can afford, and work to save a little bit every month. Thankfully, I have not needed the net of social services, and I also do not envy the lifestyles of the rich and famous.

I have mostly been content.

After all, my life has followed a pattern of being able to stay self employed, I rent a nice house and have office space, I have a nice car (2001 Solara with 45,000 miles), and yes, I do admit to a sense of entitlement about being comfortable. Like a lot of people however, that safety has been rocked a bit this year. I have felt angry, frustrated and even a little bit scared. And I suspect many others have as well. To say "it is not fair" and whine, when I work so hard - when I have done everything right, just serves no purpose. Now I am making more conservative choices, avoiding risks, and keeping myself feeling safe. Even after Sept. 11 (9/11), when the world became a scarier place, I was not overly concerned.

A sense of "normal" was so far out of whack for me anyway, as my daughter had just entered her residential boarding school on Feb. 10, 2001. So, what was normal returned very quickly for me, even though flying has never been the same. Now things are crumbling around a lot of families.

Thank goodness I have a home office and my family and parent coaching center is right upstairs, so I do not commute. I know that Medicare and Social Security will not offer me what they did to my grandparents. What I am hearing is, kids asking, "what should I do now?"

Their parents who have gone through life with a sense of balance tell them to stop worrying about things they cannot control. Good advice. However, the parents are wondering how they are going to regain their financial fate. They are wondering how they make sure that their family is financially safe. Adults remember that others have lived through hard times. Many of us grew up hearing first hand accounts of life during the Great Depression when homelessness and hunger were real problems for many. (Not to say it is not a real problem now). To survive back then, everyone in the family learned to do with less, took care of themselves and helped others when they could. When times improved, they lived with a renewed appreciation of abundance.

And who remembers the recession in the 1970's when inflation and unemployment were historically high, gas lines were facts of life (I was an even number), and we drank powered milk because not everyone could afford the real stuff. I know there are many parents today worried about money, their jobs and if they will be able to afford Christmas presents. Some parents are keeping this from their kids. So those kids who have no idea feel secure and still intact with their i-pods, cell phones, designer clothes and expensive skateboards. I am grateful that I am not drinking powered milk, but I think we are all learning some lessons about living within our means. Many of us need to re-prioritize our spending around groceries and will be taking far less weekend getaways. Life has changed in some fundamental ways for many families. This is a time to refocus on what is important instead of what is next on the list of living life beyond our means.

And kids need to be doing the same. Use cash instead of credit cards, and when it's gone, it's gone. Shop for what you need instead of what you want. Focus on paying bills, and anything left over will go into savings. Share what you can because there are others hurting worse than you. Doing this, and involving your kids, will help you all to rediscover what it means to be grateful for what you have and appreciate it longer. The moment you realize that life can, and does, change in an instant is a profound moment in the journey of life.

Dore E. Frances, M.A., A.C.C.

Founder, Horizon Family Solutions, LLC